What in the world does “holding space” mean?
It means being present with someone while they work through something difficult without fixing, redirecting, or making it about you.
No solutions or suggestions, no silver linings, and no jumping in with a label maker.
“Just listen” sounds simple. For ADHD brains, it's genuinely hard.
Why this is harder than it sounds
ADHD can impair our listening skills. Our minds can move at top speed, especially if we’re confronted with a problem. You may find yourself rapidly connecting the dots, synthesizing some solution or advice that you can contribute. When someone shares a problem, the ADHD brain does exactly what it's wired to do: by the time they've finished their second sentence, you may already have three suggestions and a related personal anecdote queued up and ready to go.
First they need to feel heard.
Here’s how we can make that happen for them.
How to hold space
Resist the urge to relate. If you remember nothing else, remember this. Responding with a similar experience signals empathy and genuinely comes from a good place. But when someone is mid-share, your story pulls focus. It’s not your turn. Put a pin in it for later.
Don't fill the silence.Silence feels uncomfortable when you're waiting to contribute something useful. Sit with it anyway. A pause is not an invitation.
Let them lead on advice.If they want your take, they'll ask. Until then, listening is the whole job. When you're not sure what to say, simple acknowledgment does more than you'd expect: "I'm so sorry," or "That sounds really hard," or just "I'm here." You don't need to say anything profound. Your presence is the point.
Pop quiz: should you say, “I know how you feel”? Well, maybe you do! But wait your turn. It can absolutely be comforting to hear that you’ve had a similar experience. Wait until after they’re done sharing.
Some things to not do
Escalating (“Hold my beer…”). Meeting someone's painful experience by escalating with something worse that happened to you tends to land as competitive rather than connective. We've all done it.
Minimizing. Even if something seems manageable from the outside, the other person's experience of it is real. Responding to a teenager's heartbreak with perspective about the grand scheme of things is technically accurate and completely beside the point.
Making it about your reaction. If someone is sharing that something you did hurt them, the instinct to defend or explain is understandable. It's also the fastest way to shut the conversation down.
It takes practice
Don’t worry if you’ve done some of those no-no’s. The fact that you're thinking about how to do it better is already most of the work.
People tend to remember less about what was said and more about whether they felt heard.
