What in the world does “holding space” mean?

Jul 31

It means being the emotional equivalent of a bean bag chair—soft, supportive, and not judging anyone for how weirdly they sit. You're there, while someone else unpacks their life’s chaos, and you're not jumping in with a label maker or a fire extinguisher.

You're not trying to fix their problems like a hyperactive DIY-er, nor are you handing out unsolicited advice like you're Oprah on a Tuesday. Instead, you’re just present, like Wi-Fi in a coffee shop—always there, no pressure, no pop-ups.

Holding space is opening your heart, suspending judgment, and basically saying, “Hey, whatever this is, I’m with you—even if it’s a hot mess express.”

What does this have to do with ADHD?

ADHD can impair our listening skills. Our minds can move at top speed, especially if we’re confronted with a problem. You may find yourself rapidly connecting the dots, synthesizing some solution or advice that you can contribute.

The long and short of it is that they need to feel heard.

Here’s how we can make that happen for them.

How to hold space:

Numero uno: do 👏 not 👏 talk 👏 about 👏 yourself. You are in listening mode. It’s very natural to want to respond with something that shows that you can relate. I don’t care how similar your experience is; now is not the time. It’s not your turn. Put a pin in it for later. 📌

Don’t panic! It can be intimidating when someone shares some profound experiences or emotions with you. You might be worried that you won’t know what to say. And that’s OK! You’re a beanbag chair. You’re not there to fix anything (you can’t). Just listen. You can do it, I promise.

It’s ok to offer advice if they ask. If they want to hear what you think, they’ll let you’ll know. Otherwise, keep it to yourself. Again, maybe put a pin in it for later if they do ask. 📌

Some things you might say.

“I’m so sorry.”

“I’m here to listen whenever you need.”

Pop quiz: should you say, “I know how you feel”? Well, maybe you do! But wait your turn. It can absolutely be comforting to hear that you’ve had a similar experience. Wait until after they’re done sharing.

Some things to super duper not do:

“Hold my beer…” Don’t up the ante or one-up them with something even MORE profound or painful than what they are sharing. I guarantee you, we have all done this at times.

Tell them it’s NBD. Even if, in your mind, maybe it really is no big deal! Your fifteen-year-old got their heart broken by their crush, for example. Big deal in the grand scheme of things? No. But what could be a big deal is how you respond to them.

Turn on the histrionics. Especially if it’s a situation in which someone is coming to you with something that has to do with your relationship with them, for example, “It really hurt my feelings when…” One of the most damaging things you can do is to